(a record for December 19th, 2008 at 00:57) * Listening to * Feeling   good... (Actually I kind of am) War. War never changes.

(a record for December 12th, 2008 at 23:18) * Listening to * Feeling   happy... I should stop whining about not having friends. I do. No, I don't really have a single friend with whom I feel I can discuss anything, and I always feel like I'm abusing their patience whenever I talk about myself for any length of time, but this is through no fault of theirs. No amount of patience and benevolence will sort out my own self-perception issues. So, for the first time in... a long time, I had one of those epiphany talks, the kind that makes you feel better about something just by talking about it. And it felt GOOD. And there is someone (else) who will pick up the phone at 4 AM and talk me through an incoherent nervous breakdown. And who generally does a pretty impressive job of putting up with my shit, and of making me happy. What the hell, I was already happy before this. This is SPARTAAAAAA crazy. Mark my words: :D War.

(a record for December 10th, 2008 at 22:40) * Listening to * Feeling   happy... Now Link! Fill up your hearts So you can shoot Your sword with power And when you're feeling all down The fairy will come around So you'll be brave And not a sissy coward Right, so. It seems I can't be stopped in my complete betrayal of Sega (not that I can do much for them now). I do refuse to play Sonic games for Nintendo consoles, though. It still feels like kind of a backstabbing move. The other day, on the bus, some kid behind me was playing some Sonic game on the DS, and I wanted to pull him by the ear and yell "NO! NO! This is a Nintendo platform! You can't play Sonic on it! KIDS THESE DAYS DON'T THEY KNOW ANYTHING?" Yeah, okay, so I'm kind of irrational. Nothing new on this front. But I was so pissed when Sega stopped making consoles and Nintendo was all like "Yeah we own the world bitches". I've been harboring this silly resentment toward Nintendo ever since, and it just will not go away. In other news, family crisis impending. My sister is, for a change, depressed and overanalyzing - I know I'm guilty of the same, but she takes the overanalysis to a whole new level. She breaks into tears whenever I get a minute alone with her, and she's been wanting to hang out with me a lot lately - we planned to spend the day together tomorrow, and as much as I love her, I have to admit I'm dreading it a little. To make matters worse, my parents show up in about a week, and, as usual, I expect plentiful drama. Also as usual, I expect having to console everyone. Also as usual, I expect no one to suspect that I'm feeling like shit as well, because, also as usual, they won't be looking very hard, busy as they are emotional-blackmailing each other. Maybe I'm wrong, though. After all, I'm recently unemployed, my aunt seems to think that I'm at the gates of death whenever I tell her I'm a bit tired, and I did tell my sister about spending a whole day crying a few weeks ago. It would be pretty ironic(al?) if they all started pampering me, considering I have been very happy the past few days (and intend to continue this way if at all possible). Then again, never let me underestimate the amazing ego-crushing powers of my parents. I'd rather not utter self-fulfilling prophecies here, but it is a fair assumption that I won't be too cheerful in the coming month. My parents are slowly becoming my very own Grinch. In other other news, I am currently happy. Just that. War.

(a record for November 25th, 2008 at 00:43) * Listening to * Feeling   annoyed... ( Rant. ) War. War never changes.

(a record for November 24th, 2008 at 15:08) * Listening to * Feeling   sad... Fuck this. I should really stop making updates in which I say I'm happy. I'm tired. And I need a friend. Preferably one who lives in a time zone that makes it possible for me to talk to someone during the day. So, today has, so far, been the worst day I've had in... what, months? Yeah. Time to stop writing about happiness. Alternatively, time to sleep for a few months. Or get ridiculously drunk. War.

(a record for November 22nd, 2008 at 23:20) * Listening to * Feeling   relaxed... Ahahaha, guess who was behind me in the line at the grocery store? DAVID! Mine and Scott's former upstairs neighbour, who spent his days playing guitar and most likely having gay sex with his friend and then came to apologize for the noise his friend made by "tapping his foot". Complete with his guitar! It took me a good five minutes to understand who he was, and although he obviously recognized me from *somewhere*, I'm fairly sure he couldn't remember where. Stuff still sucks, objectively, but I've been surprisingly happy lately. Playing games and hanging out with people I care about, and taking it easy. This week saw me pay a more or less forced visit to my mother's family which was less than welcome, but I'm back home now. I don't know, things just feel pretty good, and I have fun. War.

(a record for November 5th, 2008 at 05:31) YES. War.

(a record for October 20th, 2008 at 22:52) * Listening to * Feeling   good... So, I was slacking off at work (there's a surprise) and listening to Svan music, when I got to thinking. ( Music ramblings, and stuff. Paragraphless, too ) ALSO I'M NOW DRUNK. Latah. War.

(a record for October 17th, 2008 at 02:00) * Listening to * Feeling   indescribable... Witness me updating! I have about a month and half left working, and time has never gone so slowly. Except the early morning hours, which rush by to keep days lasting 24 hours, I guess. This is a hard time for me, generally speaking. And I don't like it, because it makes me act like a bitch to the very people who try to help. It's like I'm sitting in a corner of my brain, watching myself be incredibly annoying, and hello vicious circle! It just makes me grumpier, and it never ends. So I've been trying to snap out of it, with more or less success. Today did remind me, though, that I am a pretty good person. I found myself doing various good deeds for no reason whatsoever, and even though I did feel like a fool, it also made me feel slightly better. So, all is not lost. I'm still an okay human being, at least. I've been on a WWII trip lately. I actually, finally watched the Sorrow and the Pity, which I'd been avoiding so far - I thought it'd be kind of terrifying to see the place I call home all nazi-ed up, and I was right. It was. Moreso than I expected. But it's also a very good movie, and the fact that all the places are familiar to me just made it more striking. Some people *coughLukecough* are baffled by my fascination with the subject, and I'm not very good at explaining it, but I think my personal history started long before I was born, and WWII probably had more of an impact on the entire European population (even moreso occupied countries) than we realize. My parents were born in the years immediately following the war - everybody was poor, ashamed and traumatized, and glad to be alive. Many of my aunts and uncles remember the occupation, although while some of them will talk about it for hours, others just won't even mention it. The lady who taught me catechism had a number tattooed in blue on her forearm. How could the consequences possibly have died down between then and now? It seems impossible to accept that it's just "the past". Things like that don't become history for a long time. I'm not sure what I try to achieve, gathering all this information. Maybe I just want to understand things better. It all seems so surreal - that people I know lived through it, real people, not just children on black and white pictures. I think that's my main drive - understanding that it was real. I'm also trying to learn more about the people that came before me - this is a constant, the one thing I've never, ever lost interest in. And then, of course, my silly dream to learn everything about absolutely everything in the universe. The one reason why I should never have been introduced the the internet. Gee, writing this entry didn't do much to convince myself that I'm not boring. War.

Echo! (a record for September 29th, 2008 at 18:50) * Listening to * Feeling   cold... Deadjournal! My old pal. I have nothing to say to you! Well, aside from the fact that I'm getting fired, seriously considering moving to another continent, knitting all day long like the crazy cat lady I am, and my cousin got married on Saturday and I feel silly and lonely and I somehow miss my parents for the first time in... ever? Possibly. There are also good things. Some of those are good. All of those are good, actually, each in their own way. Yes, even getting fired. But it all requires some adjustments. In a hilarious turn of events, the first google image result for "help i have no teeth what job can i do" is a picture of a drowned girl. Uh, don't click. You know, unless you want to see a drowned girl. "i have no teeth, help me find a job google plz" doesn't feature any dead people! Well, not in corpse form, anyway. Surprisingly, despite numerous mentions of toothless blowjobs, "good jobs for the toothless" doesn't have any blowjobs until page 14! But this guy is all over the place. No, I don't really have anything better to do with my time. Echo. ETA: For the record, I have all my teeth. In case anyone worried. War.

(a record for August 25th, 2008 at 20:50) * Listening to * Feeling   amused... Why my mother insists on thinking (and telling everyone) that I actually know anything about computer hardware is beyond me. Every time any of her numerous acquaintances needs some tech advice, she jumps up like some demented jack in the box, yelling "OH AMANDINE WILL DEFINITELY HELP YOU SHE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT THAT STUFF YOU KNOW". I'm a PHP developer. Asking me to pick out hardware is like asking a film critic to fix your video camera, because "you know lots about movies right". "Hey, so, you're a novelist, wanna help me bind this manuscript?" "Hey, how about you do brain surgery on my kid? Why not, aren't you a psychiatrist?" And so on. I think my mother is just amazed blind by my awesome google skills, which make up about 99% of my solutions to her tech support requests (and about 97% of those consist of googling for drivers which she somehow manages to periodically uninstall). Anyway, I'm supposed to call my aunt and tell her what computer to buy for my cousin. I can't for the life of me figure out what the hell he could possibly do with a computer in the first place - the man hasn't played a game since 1996 and I seriously doubt he's the myspace type. For all I know he'd be all set with a Minitel. Vaguely related, I almost bought a cordless phone today, and then didn't. There was only one kind at the store and the thing was FIFTY FIVE EURO, what the hell. War.

(a record for August 17th, 2008 at 04:52) * Listening to * Feeling   apathetic... I found my lost Wacom tablet pen! Woo. Much fun ensued/is ensuing. I don't have a whole lot to talk about. My sister has a new boyfriend, whom she yet again met on an online dating site (the third in a row). Things on my end are all right, but I lack something to look forward to in the near future. Time passes too quickly, and yet it feels like it isn't passing at all. I don't like summer. It makes me tired and grumpy and jealous of everybody who's on vacation and look at this! This entry is completely dispassionate. Summer is sucking the soul out of me! War. War never changes.

(a record for August 9th, 2008 at 20:38) * Listening to * Feeling   good... Okay so I haven't updated in forever. So here's what I did last night: ( Check out my awesome drawing skills ) Hell yeah! I've been daydreaming about the Universal Jury a lot lately. It's funny how, despite being pretty damned emotionally driven, I still hope to rationalize everything. Aside from the Universal Jury, I also daydream a lot about a kind of universal rating system for all things subjective. So next time someone complained to me about how much their life sucks, I could whip out my Life Quality Universal Chart and show them that their life only sucks to a ratio of 3, which is really pretty acceptable. Or I could go to the dentist and he'd tell me "Okay, this'll hurt about 47%." Sure beats this. Another thing I really wish for is an instant worldwide polling tool (tentatively named "WWTROTWD?"). It could tell me things like "15 percent of the world would agree that this guy is a jerk" or "94 percent of the western world would quit this job" or "62 percent of women aged 19-25 would be offended by this comment". It would be pretty awesome. BUT NO I HAVE TO DO WITH UNCERTAINTY AND RELATIVITY. I've been pretty happy, though. Cheerful, anyway. Things make me laugh, I have fun. It's good. I'm doing my best to enjoy it while it lasts. Also, I'm compelled to play the Sims 2 again. War.

wat (a record for July 28th, 2008 at 21:09) * Listening to * Feeling   tired... Setting: at the grocery store, waiting in line. The guy before me is buying two ginormous brooms, god knows why, and one of those woven shopping bags you can trade for a new one when they get torn. The cashier has just made a little speech about the bags, and is now beeping the brooms. Customer: Now those won't fit in the bag. Cashier: Heheh... No, they won't. < awkward silence > Customer: Yes... < awkward silence > Customer: They're large. < awkward silence > Cashier: Maybe, uh, you should ride them. < awkward silence > Cashier: Like a witch. < awkward silence > Cashier: And hope they take off. < VERY awkward silence > Customer: Heh heh... Yes. But I would have to hide. I wouldn't want people to see me. < awkward silence > Cashier: Yes. But it would pollute less. Customer: Oh, yes. Definitely. < awkward silence > Customer: Bye. Cashier: Bye. (to me:) Hello! < something beeps, customer comes back > Customer: I left my credit card in the machine. Cashier: Oh, yes. < customer mumbles something about his card flying away, I didn't catch all of it > Cashier: < awkward laugh > Oh, yes, like the brooms... < awkward silence > Customer: Bye. Cashier: Bye. MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION EVER. Now, as I was typing this, I realized the whole thing might be perceived as some rather retarded flirting, but I assure you no flirting at all was taking place there. They were just burrowing deeper and deeper into their amazingly stupid conversation, neither knowing how to end it, it was almost painful to watch. Although pretty damned funny from where I was standing. This is why I never engage in conversation with anyone at the grocery store. Those conversations are always excruciating and creepy. Actually, right before that episode, I'd been hesitating over different kinds of rice in the grains aisle when a middle aged, new agey looking woman showed up and stood next to me, also hesitating. She was mumbling to herself, and eventually turned toward me and said "There's so much choice, we just don't know what to pick!". I just made a noise that sounded like a cross between "hah" and a hiccup, grabbed some rice at random and ran away. Yeah, so maybe my behaviour was weirder than hers. A bit. But those people freak me out! Grocery stores are not the place to meet new people. The subjects of conversation are limited to the increasing variety of rice, the various uses of brooms, and the cost of life. And I'm already paranoid enough about people checking out what I'm buying to build my psychological profile (probably because I do it). On Saturday night, my sister, Jean Marc (one of the eerily high number of people who've made a sudden reappearance into my life this week after intentionally avoiding me for months) and I went to some village in the middle of nowhere for the 40th Fête des Chavans, mostly to see some amazing singers. As it turned out, Blowzabella were playing at the post-concert dance, and they were fucking amazing. Sadly, I suppose none of the people reading this have ever heard of them, and their myspace puzzlingly only showcases not-very-interesting pieces, with maybe the exception of the mazurka (Rose of Raby), but mazurkas are always beautiful. Anyway, it was awesome, and I don't think I stopped dancing for more than five minutes. And I was really tired. They stopped playing when the sun rose, and although I was pissed off for the entire duration of Sunday because I'd been planning to get some rest during the week end, it was totally worth it just to see them. There's something much more intense than a concert, to me, in a dance, because the music really is for you. You're not just standing there watching, you're actively participating. If you weren't there to dance, the band would stop playing. Because they're there to make you dance just as much as you're there to hear them play - one can't work without the other. That's pretty amazing. It's hard to put into words, but in the end it makes music so much more enjoyable to me. In other news; I've been moderately obsessed with Oblivion lately, to the detriment of NWN2 and pretty much all other games. And sleep. War. War never changes.

Woo, badly written and disjointed. (a record for July 16th, 2008 at 19:43) * Listening to * Feeling   exhausted... Poland was amazing, for the most part. I took pictures erratically, so this report will only be partially illustrated. What you need to know - I went for one week to Zbaszyn, Poland, for an experimental art festival where we were invited to sing (although when traditional music became experimental, I'm not quite sure). And it was amazing. ( What you don't need to know. ) Yesterday my feet touched the ground again and it was kind of harsh - but I'm really happy I went. To summarize, here's a bit of an email I wrote yesterday: "I hadn't yet realized how out of the world I'd been this past week until I found myself sitting on an uncomfortable chair in an office I hate, willing my mind to stop wandering and start thinking. People have been asking me the wrong questions all day - "Was the weather nice?" ("No, it rained every day."), "Was the cabin comfortable?" ("No, it was ugly and musty and my bedsheets had suspicious stains and it rained inside."), "Did you get good rest?" ("No, I don't think I've felt this tired in months.")." Hmm, yes, it was awesome. War.

(a record for July 3rd, 2008 at 21:47) * Listening to * Feeling   lonely... Teaching my sister "Barbara Allen" (for clarity, the English parts of the conversation are italicized): A (singing): "Twas in the merry month of May" V (singing): "Twas in the merry month of May" A (singing): "When green buds they were swellin'" V (singing): "When green buds they were swollen" A: ..."swellin'". V (nods): "swollen". A: No, no, same verb, different tense. "swellin'". As in "swelling". V: Oh! I didn't know that word. I know "swollen" because Daven [A/N: Daven the Annoying, a.k.a. Daven the Hypochondriac] kept telling me "Oh god, my whatever is so swollen!" so I quickly gathered what it meant. A: It's supposed to be a poetic image. "Swollen" doesn't work so well. V: I did find it kind of weird for this song to talk about swollen green buds. A: Haha, yeah. V (on the tune to Barbara Allen, in a Daven-impression voice): Do you have anti inflammatories / My green bud is so swollen!" A just about dies laughing. I'm done with work until I come back from Poland, woo! Also, my triumphant return to France will be on July 14th. Which is the French National day, if you haven't been doing your homework. Please don't see a patriotic gesture there, it's purely coincidence. War.

I'm updating under duress. (a record for July 1st, 2008 at 04:35) * Listening to * Feeling   optimistic... Overheard on the tram today: "I mean, I know my parents love me, but they never call me." "I know what you mean. Once I asked them for a private horse riding instructor, and they were like "No, it's too expensive", but they paid for my sister's private piano lessons!" "Private piano lessons?" "Yeah, like, she had a teacher all to herself!" ...What? Do you actually think people who learn the piano do it in a piano classroom, with 25 pianos lined up side by side? The Fête du Cinéma (no idea how I could translate that) started yesterday. Hmm, six hours in a row staring at a bright screen in a dark room. No movies today, but more are in the plans tomorrow and Wednesday. My sister refuses to see either Diary of the Dead or Indiana Jones 4, so I might end up going alone. Entertainment as a means of escapism is back in full force in my life, and I'm welcoming it with open arms. I want to bathe in other people's lives. See the world with their colors. I guess I'm just tired; I need a break. Which is good, because a break is coming in five days! Poland, here I come. Road trips in strange foreign places when you're sick of what you know are possibly the best cure for this crazy mix of dull and vibrant I've been feeling lately. Not that I'm unhappy - despite all the corners of my world that are steadily falling apart, I've been pretty damned happy lately. A couple of days ago I almost posted an update that consisted solely of this J.D. Salinger quote: "I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.", and the only reason I didn't was because I think quote entries are lame. To be honest, I don't know how I manage to be happy, especially considering how exhausted I am. Not so much physically, but life hasn't been giving me many breaks lately. I'm kind of dreading the moment when it'll hit me in the face, all the shit I've been accumulating, and somehow magically ignored. But maybe it won't. If I can be happy now, how could I ever not be happy? I'm thinking of a bit from Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down (which, by the way, is awesome): "I'm sorry, but there’s no disturbed mental balance here, my friend. I'd say he got it just right. Bad thing upon bad thing upon bad thing until you can't take any more, and then it’s off to the nearest multi-storey car park in the family hatchback with a length of rubber tubing. Surely that’s fair enough?". I'm amazed because that idea does not seem appealing in the least. I know it doesn't mean much to anyone else, but sometimes I just have to sit back and take it all in. This is me, doing this. Every day. Self love coming this way. It's not often I like myself as much as I do right this moment. Because, hey, I can do this life thing. I want to give myself a congratulatory hug for making it this far and still smile and laugh and enjoy things as much as I do. Because I think it means I'll be smiling and laughing and enjoying things for a while. Run, Manny! Yes. This is what happens when I have nothing specific to say - incoherence and introspection! Amandine concentrate, really. War.

(a record for June 27th, 2008 at 21:08) * Listening to * Feeling   happy... Also, I suck at being a pirate (of the "yarr" variety). War.

(a record for June 27th, 2008 at 05:58) * Listening to * Feeling   okay... Hum hum hum. Inexplicably, I'm in a good mood. Best thing said this week, and which also sums it up nicely: "THIS TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE WORK. PEOPLE WOULD BE SO FOOLED BY A GIANT SPAZ OF A CAT ON A POWERPOINT SLIDE" It's been very hot, especially for June, ever since my birthday. Like this. To think until last week I was an oddity, walking outside without a coat on. The mosquitos got the memo, too, and they all rushed to sting me enthusiastically. Yay for allergic (over)reactions. Poland soon! We have no program and virtually no organization, but we have handmade skirts and excitement. Updating this is difficult. So much to say, so few fitting words. I wish I could record my inner monologues to play them later and reorder the thoughts into something coherent - I really do have brilliant insights sometimes, but my brain jumbles them into vague collections of ideas I can hardly put into words. I wonder how one becomes eloquent. Does anyone ever feel like they're using exactly the right word? I wish I could be one of those people who manage to conjure up a whole world in a few sentences. My sister's ex-boyfriend, Daven the Annoying, was of the belief that "actions speak louder than words", and consequently gave little importance to words in general. He would just fling about random, poorly assembled strings of words, and later, if you brought it up again, he would just shrug and reply "Oh, I was just saying that, it wasn't really what I actually thought or anything." I found this pretty infuriating, especially when he started making ridiculously wrong observations about me ("You really are a very empathic person", out of nowhere, while helping him rake dead leaves). Words are very important to me. Actions can be misinterpreted much more easily, at least by me - I rely heavily on words to express myself and explain my own actions, and I put a lot of effort into making what I say as accurate and precise as I possibly can. My sister does the same, which is in part why discussing practically anything with her is so interesting - we rarely misunderstand each other, and we can actually have semantics debates, defining words for hours on end, and then defining the words we used in the definition, and it would probably bore anyone else to tears, but that's why we don't do it with other people. I want to talk about my respective relationships to the French and English languages regarding that, but I'm going to go to bed instead, I think. I have new books to read! War.

(a record for June 19th, 2008 at 03:22) By the way, as of 3 hours and 22 minutes ago, I'm 24. ETA: SirMuffinMan29 (02:21:58): so what's it like being 24? Insomnia in red (02:22:11): Not liking it much. SirMuffinMan29 (02:22:20): yeah, it's no fun Insomnia in red (02:22:20): I don't like the number, for one. SirMuffinMan29 (02:22:29): but it's an even number SirMuffinMan29 (02:22:34): and it's how many hours are in a day Insomnia in red (02:22:36): It's too even. SirMuffinMan29 (02:22:38): and it's two dozen SirMuffinMan29 (02:22:41): and and and Insomnia in red (02:22:46): It's all square and boring. SirMuffinMan29 (02:22:53): it's stable! Insomnia in red (02:23:01): The second number is twice the first once Insomnia in red (02:23:05): AND its square Insomnia in red (02:23:10): it's just too perfect. Insomnia in red (02:23:49): And for some reason it bothers me that they're one number apart Insomnia in red (02:24:04): I feel like I'm neglecting the 3. SirMuffinMan29 (02:24:05): you fail War. War never changes.